Intentionally Building Resilience One Day at a Time
Grief is Not Linear
When Mr. J was first diagnosed, I spent quite a bit of time in a fog. But then I started applying my science-y background and attacked my grief with a plan. I listened to podcasts and Ted Talks about grief. I discovered phrases like “Anticipatory Grief” and “Ambiguous Loss.” I bought Pauline Boss’s excellent book and found myself a therapist who was familiar with the concepts. But then life got in the way, and I was subsumed with other things. I lost my way. Science went out the window.
The Gift of Substack
I happened upon Substack, and thought it might be a good place to journal my grief. I made some friends. Followed some newsletters. Got some encouragement. And lo and behold, guess what showed up in my inbox the other day! Grief is messy. It’s not a tidy five stage path. It includes a Ted Talk I had listened to so many months ago and forgotten about, about surviving loss and managing grief. I listened to it again. It was a gift. It reminded me about the science of grief and the importance of building resilience.
Organizing the Bento Box
Some days I shove all of my fears, my pain, my sadness, and my grief into an imaginary bento box and force the lid on. Other days, my bento box is jumbled and overflowing. Today, I decided I would once again work towards organizing the bento box. After my beditation, I engaged in some somatic yoga (thanks Johns Hopkins, for your free You Tube videos!). I said to Mr. J, for the 300th time, “Let’s take the dogs for a walk today.” And we did. I reminded myself that even though his brain betrays him, most of Mr. J is still very much present. Last summer, my therapist and I created a list of resilience activities I enjoy. Walking the dogs is one of them. So is being in nature. So is being with Mr. J. A perfect trifecta.
Living in the Here and Now
On our wander around the neighborhood with the dogs, I invoked one of my mantras. “Now,” I tell myself. “Now.” “Be. Here. Now.” I invoke a new mantra, as well. “I am going to science the hell out of this grief process.”
As always, thoroughly enjoy your writing. I enjoy the bento box 🍱 analogy 😆
I’m glad you got your resilence building trifecta walk. I hace just adopted a dog and thoroughly enjoying our walks 💚
When my mother had dementia and my father had terminal lung cancer, I often found myself grieving while they were still here. My father’s death came fast, while my mother’s took six years. It is hard staying present and not squandering the time you have now. It's all very complicated, but also all ok. There is no right way. Thanks for sharing your journey with us ❤️