@Anne, creating space for others to BE when you're walking your own fear is not just courageous; it's inspiring. When you are being this, I'm sure you won't see this, but we do!
Thank you for sharing your perspective of life and friends passing. In the fast/busy/solution-focused culture of modern society many 'listeners' prefer to interrupt/offer their experience and solutions over sharing in the pain, discomfort and humanity of it all. So all I'll say is, sitting alongside you and here if you need to text/write more and I'll welcome your words.
Another beautiful and beautifully stated piece. You are a terrific writer. I'm just sorry for you and your husband that this is your subject matter. A few years after my husband died, I gave a TEDx talk on grief. I think it would resonate with you. You should give your own one day. My gut says you'd be excellent. Thinking of you, Anne. And Mr. J.
Amazing talk, Susan. I think this makes more clear what I was saying to Sheila. By diving into my grief now, I am hoping to get used to it. To see where it can take me.
Hi Susan, I just watched your TEDx talk and was so moved by your story. I was also impressed with your talent for public speaking! In August it will be 3 years since my husband died from soft tissue sarcoma. He was 53, I was 54 and our son was 9. We met at 40 and were married for 13 years. Now our (my) son is 12, and he is also autistic. He is considered twice exceptional because he has a disability but is also academically gifted. It's not easy being a single parent, but I haven't been able to channel my grief into him to the extent you did with your sons. I agree with your conclusion that grief must be felt, and that pushing it down will only extend suffering. I've been really feeling it for the past 8 months, so now I channel it into my writing. I'm 19 chapters into my memoir and so happy I found Substack and a supportive community that inspires me to keep going. 🥰😍
Amy, it's lovely to meet you and I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your kind words about my talk. It was the highlight of my professional life! I will absolutely check out your memoir. Good for you for writing it. I agree too, about Substack. It's a wonderful place for support and community and meeting people like you (and Anne!). I hope we can stay in touch. Hang in there and keep writing.
I agree. We must simply listen to one another. That is the gift that we give each other in hard times. Nothing to fix. Not even necessary to provide ideas for how to make it better. Just listen.
Your writing brings us closer to your truth, and I, for one, am appreciative of this. Listening, pure listening, with no intention of saying anything, is a difficult gift to give for so many. I’m glad you are speaking about this and modeling it along your mountainous journey.
I love listening to you read your stories; the experience touches me deeply. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer there was no cure, only palliative treatment that may have extended his life. You are very courages to face your husband's diagnosis head on. I could not do that, neither he or I wanted to acknowledge what was happening. Looking back, I wish we could have connected on a deeper level, but I think it was too hard for Steven to talk about. He lived for 3 years, and it will be 3 years in August since he died. Time is so strange. Sometimes his diagnosis and death feel like yesterday, and other times it feels like he never existed, that I made him up. I always look forward to you posts, thank you for sharing your journey. 🥰❤️🙏
Oh, Amy. I am so sorry. There really isn't a very good roadmap out there on how to do this. So I'm making one up as I go, just as you did. Sending you love and light today.
You are very inspiring to share your stories, thank you! I am a widow for over 13 years and sharing and listening is by far the most important thing we can do for each other and ourselves. ❤
Not only are you eloquent, but you are also compassionate despite your own pain. Listening to other’s pain is one way to help which is what we as friends want to do in the first place. It really can be that simple.
A simple observation that’s probably true for many things we process. I know writing has been an integral part of my processing, I hope it is for you too 💚
Sheila, I feel like when I write I am building up scar tissue. It's probably fruitless, but I'm hoping when the end comes, it won't hurt so much. Or I'll be used to it. Or something. . .
Building up scar tissue, what an interesting analogy. But I think I understand, like preparing for what’s to come, preprocessing?
I hope you feel like you’re building up a community here? Community it’s important for any of life’s difficulties and I think the internet makes connecting with others easier (and harder but that’s for another day) to meet others who get it or are your people.
I certainly enjoy reading your writing. You write about being a future widow but your style of writing makes it applicable to so many other areas of life 💚
Sheila, I do feel like I am building a community here - which is what I had hoped for. I'm in unchartered waters within my non-virtual community. It's nice to be here with others who have insights and experience with this.
I’m so happy to hear that you feel that way. Albeit I’m sorry about the uncharted waters with the non-virtual lot, I can relate to that albeit we’re on very different journeys. 💕
So beautifully said! I recently listened as a coworker recounted her father’s gruesome death scene, one she had the misfortune of discovering. Probably because we are both nurses, the story was extra detailed and very hard to listen to.
Imagine how she must have felt though? Your story was the reminder I needed that she is trying to process— and some of us need to talk in order to process. Or write. Thank you
Anne, I truly believe what you're doing here is so important and very much needed.
I love when I ask an 80 year old patient if they've completed their living will and the answer is --not yet! Ha. We need to talk about death more. It helps.
Honestly, things are so fresh for me that I often skim essays such as this - then come back, sneak up on them, skimming again, and carefully aggregate meaning while trying to preserve some sense of equilibrium for myself. So... what? So nothing. I'm just here. Listening. Being here. Where I understand and am understood. In a comfort zone I never ever wanted. Thank you for writing. And writing. I loved your voiceover as well. It's easier to listen in a way. Hearing the calm strength and resolve of your voice is so much less triggering than my own read-along mental inner voice, especially as it tries to lure me into dark alleys of thought that aren't even in the text. I wish that I could tell you that anticipatory grief helped me prepare. I had 5 years and I don't feel like it did - but then again, maybe there is another, higher, gear of grief that I've avoided. I shudder to imagine what that would be like, especially since consensus indicates an escalation of grief in year two. In the meantime, listening to one another and just being together in shared understanding - as you speak of here - will continue to be elemental to the breathable atmosphere for the grieving.
John, I'm glad you are here. Listening. I hadn't thought about other people's inner voices when reading text, but that is certainly another reason for me to keep recording. Thank you for that.
@Anne, creating space for others to BE when you're walking your own fear is not just courageous; it's inspiring. When you are being this, I'm sure you won't see this, but we do!
Thank you for sharing your perspective of life and friends passing. In the fast/busy/solution-focused culture of modern society many 'listeners' prefer to interrupt/offer their experience and solutions over sharing in the pain, discomfort and humanity of it all. So all I'll say is, sitting alongside you and here if you need to text/write more and I'll welcome your words.
Thank you, Victoria. I appreciate you.
Feeling is very mutual! Thanks Anne. I hope you can find a few minutes for yourself.xo
Another beautiful and beautifully stated piece. You are a terrific writer. I'm just sorry for you and your husband that this is your subject matter. A few years after my husband died, I gave a TEDx talk on grief. I think it would resonate with you. You should give your own one day. My gut says you'd be excellent. Thinking of you, Anne. And Mr. J.
Thank you, Susan. I would love to see your TEDx Talk. Do you have a link?
Sure thing. It's https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYEkdPwFYfI&t=6s
Thank you for wanting to see it!
Amazing talk, Susan. I think this makes more clear what I was saying to Sheila. By diving into my grief now, I am hoping to get used to it. To see where it can take me.
Yes please to the link 🙏
Hi Amber, here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYEkdPwFYfI&t=6s
Thank you for wanting to see it!
Hi Susan, I just watched your TEDx talk and was so moved by your story. I was also impressed with your talent for public speaking! In August it will be 3 years since my husband died from soft tissue sarcoma. He was 53, I was 54 and our son was 9. We met at 40 and were married for 13 years. Now our (my) son is 12, and he is also autistic. He is considered twice exceptional because he has a disability but is also academically gifted. It's not easy being a single parent, but I haven't been able to channel my grief into him to the extent you did with your sons. I agree with your conclusion that grief must be felt, and that pushing it down will only extend suffering. I've been really feeling it for the past 8 months, so now I channel it into my writing. I'm 19 chapters into my memoir and so happy I found Substack and a supportive community that inspires me to keep going. 🥰😍
Amy, it's lovely to meet you and I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your kind words about my talk. It was the highlight of my professional life! I will absolutely check out your memoir. Good for you for writing it. I agree too, about Substack. It's a wonderful place for support and community and meeting people like you (and Anne!). I hope we can stay in touch. Hang in there and keep writing.
I agree. We must simply listen to one another. That is the gift that we give each other in hard times. Nothing to fix. Not even necessary to provide ideas for how to make it better. Just listen.
Your writing brings us closer to your truth, and I, for one, am appreciative of this. Listening, pure listening, with no intention of saying anything, is a difficult gift to give for so many. I’m glad you are speaking about this and modeling it along your mountainous journey.
I love listening to you read your stories; the experience touches me deeply. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer there was no cure, only palliative treatment that may have extended his life. You are very courages to face your husband's diagnosis head on. I could not do that, neither he or I wanted to acknowledge what was happening. Looking back, I wish we could have connected on a deeper level, but I think it was too hard for Steven to talk about. He lived for 3 years, and it will be 3 years in August since he died. Time is so strange. Sometimes his diagnosis and death feel like yesterday, and other times it feels like he never existed, that I made him up. I always look forward to you posts, thank you for sharing your journey. 🥰❤️🙏
Oh, Amy. I am so sorry. There really isn't a very good roadmap out there on how to do this. So I'm making one up as I go, just as you did. Sending you love and light today.
I love that you’re living until 108….me too!! I can imagine you are making this possible by all the self actualisation 😆✨
Ha! I plan on becoming very wise and very old.
You are very inspiring to share your stories, thank you! I am a widow for over 13 years and sharing and listening is by far the most important thing we can do for each other and ourselves. ❤
Not only are you eloquent, but you are also compassionate despite your own pain. Listening to other’s pain is one way to help which is what we as friends want to do in the first place. It really can be that simple.
Thank you for your kind words, Ilona. The more I travel this path, the more I value relationships.
Highly, deeply seconded, and agree, Illona
“Maybe that’s just how she processes it”
A simple observation that’s probably true for many things we process. I know writing has been an integral part of my processing, I hope it is for you too 💚
Sheila, I feel like when I write I am building up scar tissue. It's probably fruitless, but I'm hoping when the end comes, it won't hurt so much. Or I'll be used to it. Or something. . .
Building up scar tissue, what an interesting analogy. But I think I understand, like preparing for what’s to come, preprocessing?
I hope you feel like you’re building up a community here? Community it’s important for any of life’s difficulties and I think the internet makes connecting with others easier (and harder but that’s for another day) to meet others who get it or are your people.
I certainly enjoy reading your writing. You write about being a future widow but your style of writing makes it applicable to so many other areas of life 💚
Sheila, I do feel like I am building a community here - which is what I had hoped for. I'm in unchartered waters within my non-virtual community. It's nice to be here with others who have insights and experience with this.
I’m so happy to hear that you feel that way. Albeit I’m sorry about the uncharted waters with the non-virtual lot, I can relate to that albeit we’re on very different journeys. 💕
This is beautiful... the honouring of another's story. You are a good and decent human. Mr. J is luck to have you.
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you.
So beautifully said! I recently listened as a coworker recounted her father’s gruesome death scene, one she had the misfortune of discovering. Probably because we are both nurses, the story was extra detailed and very hard to listen to.
Imagine how she must have felt though? Your story was the reminder I needed that she is trying to process— and some of us need to talk in order to process. Or write. Thank you
Thank you for telling me this! You made my day. So sorry about your friend.
Thank you.
Anne, I truly believe what you're doing here is so important and very much needed.
I love when I ask an 80 year old patient if they've completed their living will and the answer is --not yet! Ha. We need to talk about death more. It helps.
Honestly, things are so fresh for me that I often skim essays such as this - then come back, sneak up on them, skimming again, and carefully aggregate meaning while trying to preserve some sense of equilibrium for myself. So... what? So nothing. I'm just here. Listening. Being here. Where I understand and am understood. In a comfort zone I never ever wanted. Thank you for writing. And writing. I loved your voiceover as well. It's easier to listen in a way. Hearing the calm strength and resolve of your voice is so much less triggering than my own read-along mental inner voice, especially as it tries to lure me into dark alleys of thought that aren't even in the text. I wish that I could tell you that anticipatory grief helped me prepare. I had 5 years and I don't feel like it did - but then again, maybe there is another, higher, gear of grief that I've avoided. I shudder to imagine what that would be like, especially since consensus indicates an escalation of grief in year two. In the meantime, listening to one another and just being together in shared understanding - as you speak of here - will continue to be elemental to the breathable atmosphere for the grieving.
John, I'm glad you are here. Listening. I hadn't thought about other people's inner voices when reading text, but that is certainly another reason for me to keep recording. Thank you for that.