Dear Brave, full of heart-one (ohhh Braveheart!), my heartfelt condolences to P and you and Mr J on Mr G's passing. BIG hug. I'll say 'Heart' a third time since you sourced ideas of love that were also useful...the windows, the list—these are things we can anchor to AND enable others to help/connect to us.
It seems that this is part of your solstice-to-solstice journey—sharing your learnings and supporting others as you evolve your own thoughts, too. In that moment, you were literally between two worlds of grief and joy; some of us know that well, too.
Walking alongside you and soaking up your learnings. I appreciate you sharing this with us. Take care, bravehearted one.
Thank you, Victoria, for your words. You are right, of course, writing about my experiences is helping me on my journey. I am so lucky to have found y'all.
Glad to read your words once more, I sure had missed you. Love the solstice living plan, a great idea. And the fact you made sure you both got to this wedding. The soppy dance on the dance floor reminded me of the mr insisting we dance to oasis the other wkend. We were the only ones! He’d had a few beers. I hadn’t. Life is all about making memories, in and amongst all the mayhem surely💃🏼🕺🏽 (my 2 fave emojis)
Amber, I wish I was younger when I figured out what you just said, "Life is all about making memories" and, I will add, cherishing what you have, not looking around noting what you don't have. I am familiar wit the red dancing woman, but had not previously seen the blue dancing man. I will incorporate this one into my repertoire. You were the first stranger to reach out to me with kindness when I got here, Amber, and I will always be grateful. Thank you for that and for always being supportive.
I’ve been to see my 93yo Nana today, to ask her more about her life, the war, rations, resilience and community. It made her so happy to remember so many memories long since forgotten. I’m turning her and my grandads love into a story for a competition with war theme “make do and mend”. I can’t believe how much I’ve found out about her life. Back when my grandad was alive, illl never forget learning from that about possessions and the power of letting go of our attachment to ‘things’. I’m still learning this one and don’t necessarily wish I was any younger to learn these things - it’s the presence that gets me. I wish I’d been more present and less numbed out. A lesson I’m taking with me for the rest of my life. And one I’m truly grateful to have now x
Love the solstice to solstice notion. Your piece prompted me to remember what a girlfriend’s mother said to us years ago, we were only in our 20s, l can’t remember the context, “often it is who we are not watching”, which came to me when John was diagnosed, we had brought my mother to live with us because of her declining health, and John was diagnosed with MND. We can only be in the moment and you are grabbing it with a full 💜. Great you got to and enjoyed the wedding 🙏. Thank you for sharing.
My goodness, what a terrible shock for both you and your friend. You've given her some solid advice and she'll be glad to lean on you in future, even if it's just to cry and tell you she's sad. When loss is sudden, the one who remains is befuddled by life for a long while. At least I was. There was another side to get to for me, a not befuddled one. I'm hoping she finds it too. Enjoy your little escape from it all and think of things later. Hugs to you.
Thank you, Trevy. I appreciate this insight. I only know the way I am dealing with grief, and having insight into how you dealt with your sudden loss will help me be a better friend to P.
If you want, I will send you or her a copy of my grief book. It's everything I learned about getting through it and finding comfort along the way in short little snippets, one a day, free of religion. I'd be glad to do it. ❤️
Oh Anne, life sucks. I'm so very sorry for P and Mr. G., and of course for you and Mr. J. I'm happy though, that you went to the wedding and enjoyed yourselves. You deserve that. Keep making those good memories. S. xo
As always, such powerful pieces. I always look forward to listening and reading your perspective of the world. I’m so sorry for your and mostly your friend’s sudden loss.
Solstice living. I like it. When Bryan went through cancer treatment last year, he was very energized by embracing every moment. He bought All The Concert Tickets for every outdoor festival (so it seemed) and they were all for five or six months out. I panicked. What if chemo made him too sick to go? What if his health took a turn for the worse? What if he died?!
I had to be so very intentional about not letting my own anxiety ruin his positive mindset. I have learned about secondary trauma from working in social services settings, and I think it applies to being cancer-adjacent as well. We are not experiencing the illness, but our proximity to it and powerlessness over it and our inability to escape the daily ambiguity of it impacts us deeply and can trigger trauma responses.
I noticed this happening to me a couple months ago in May. I experienced my first ever panic attack, and continued experiencing them for weeks, through May and early June. At first I had no idea why, everything was fine, and so I chalked it up to weird peri menopause stuff. It still may be that, but all anxiety and panic attacks seem to have subsided recently.
I finally realized that a year ago at the end of April, we learned that Bryan’s surgery may not have eliminated all the cancer, so he needed to start chemo. Suddenly we were plunged into to a world of uncertainty, and I had to be the strong pillar of support. I think my body was remembering this at the one year mark.
Anyway, I am reading your story and have so many feelings about waiting a year for new scans. A year!! I was losing my mind waiting three months for new bloodwork.
You are amazing! I'm glad you went to the wedding! I totally understand about dithering and being unable to make plans. I just took my stroke survivor daughter to a massive festival in the UK... after a lot of dithering. It was a challenging but life affirming experience. She's having an arteriograph at this very minute. Hoping she'll get a f8nal 'all clear'. I'm keep8ng my fingers crossed for you and Mr J too fingers 🤞
It may sound odd to say “sorry” for overloading your notifications today with so many “likes” on your previous posts, but I am catching up on your Substack and seeing so much in it that I can’t help myself. Thank you for sharing your story, with all it’s ups & downs, grief & joy - & oh, the what if’s on planning anything is so very familiar to me (not from a degenerative illness perspective but from the perspective of a caregiver of someone w an unpredictable disability). I am wishing you and Mr J as much joy as you can find, for as long as possible.
Are you kidding me? I love when I see a reader liking more than one of my posts on the same day. It tells me someone read something I wrote and liked it enough to read more. You have filled my heart with joy.
This is exquisitely beautiful and thought-provoking. Thank you for the honest and poignant insights. I will take these with me (and will use your advice about suggesting people write a list of tasks and ask friends to pick something from it!)
Dear Brave, full of heart-one (ohhh Braveheart!), my heartfelt condolences to P and you and Mr J on Mr G's passing. BIG hug. I'll say 'Heart' a third time since you sourced ideas of love that were also useful...the windows, the list—these are things we can anchor to AND enable others to help/connect to us.
It seems that this is part of your solstice-to-solstice journey—sharing your learnings and supporting others as you evolve your own thoughts, too. In that moment, you were literally between two worlds of grief and joy; some of us know that well, too.
Walking alongside you and soaking up your learnings. I appreciate you sharing this with us. Take care, bravehearted one.
Thank you, Victoria, for your words. You are right, of course, writing about my experiences is helping me on my journey. I am so lucky to have found y'all.
Glad to read your words once more, I sure had missed you. Love the solstice living plan, a great idea. And the fact you made sure you both got to this wedding. The soppy dance on the dance floor reminded me of the mr insisting we dance to oasis the other wkend. We were the only ones! He’d had a few beers. I hadn’t. Life is all about making memories, in and amongst all the mayhem surely💃🏼🕺🏽 (my 2 fave emojis)
Amber, I wish I was younger when I figured out what you just said, "Life is all about making memories" and, I will add, cherishing what you have, not looking around noting what you don't have. I am familiar wit the red dancing woman, but had not previously seen the blue dancing man. I will incorporate this one into my repertoire. You were the first stranger to reach out to me with kindness when I got here, Amber, and I will always be grateful. Thank you for that and for always being supportive.
I’ve been to see my 93yo Nana today, to ask her more about her life, the war, rations, resilience and community. It made her so happy to remember so many memories long since forgotten. I’m turning her and my grandads love into a story for a competition with war theme “make do and mend”. I can’t believe how much I’ve found out about her life. Back when my grandad was alive, illl never forget learning from that about possessions and the power of letting go of our attachment to ‘things’. I’m still learning this one and don’t necessarily wish I was any younger to learn these things - it’s the presence that gets me. I wish I’d been more present and less numbed out. A lesson I’m taking with me for the rest of my life. And one I’m truly grateful to have now x
I like that idea about making a list. I hope to remember your advice and be that friend the next time something happens.
Ilona, I have no idea where that idea came from, but I like it, too. Let's start a movement!
Love the solstice to solstice notion. Your piece prompted me to remember what a girlfriend’s mother said to us years ago, we were only in our 20s, l can’t remember the context, “often it is who we are not watching”, which came to me when John was diagnosed, we had brought my mother to live with us because of her declining health, and John was diagnosed with MND. We can only be in the moment and you are grabbing it with a full 💜. Great you got to and enjoyed the wedding 🙏. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Simone, for your support. I am shifting my paradigm, to make the trip not a "one off" but rather a "what can be."
My goodness, what a terrible shock for both you and your friend. You've given her some solid advice and she'll be glad to lean on you in future, even if it's just to cry and tell you she's sad. When loss is sudden, the one who remains is befuddled by life for a long while. At least I was. There was another side to get to for me, a not befuddled one. I'm hoping she finds it too. Enjoy your little escape from it all and think of things later. Hugs to you.
Thank you, Trevy. I appreciate this insight. I only know the way I am dealing with grief, and having insight into how you dealt with your sudden loss will help me be a better friend to P.
If you want, I will send you or her a copy of my grief book. It's everything I learned about getting through it and finding comfort along the way in short little snippets, one a day, free of religion. I'd be glad to do it. ❤️
I would love this Trevy. Let me figure out how to DM you her addy.
Oh Anne, life sucks. I'm so very sorry for P and Mr. G., and of course for you and Mr. J. I'm happy though, that you went to the wedding and enjoyed yourselves. You deserve that. Keep making those good memories. S. xo
Susan, Thank you. It's so much easier to focus on the bad rather than the good, isn't it? This is my year to focus on the good. Have a great day!
As always, such powerful pieces. I always look forward to listening and reading your perspective of the world. I’m so sorry for your and mostly your friend’s sudden loss.
Solstice living. I like it. When Bryan went through cancer treatment last year, he was very energized by embracing every moment. He bought All The Concert Tickets for every outdoor festival (so it seemed) and they were all for five or six months out. I panicked. What if chemo made him too sick to go? What if his health took a turn for the worse? What if he died?!
I had to be so very intentional about not letting my own anxiety ruin his positive mindset. I have learned about secondary trauma from working in social services settings, and I think it applies to being cancer-adjacent as well. We are not experiencing the illness, but our proximity to it and powerlessness over it and our inability to escape the daily ambiguity of it impacts us deeply and can trigger trauma responses.
I noticed this happening to me a couple months ago in May. I experienced my first ever panic attack, and continued experiencing them for weeks, through May and early June. At first I had no idea why, everything was fine, and so I chalked it up to weird peri menopause stuff. It still may be that, but all anxiety and panic attacks seem to have subsided recently.
I finally realized that a year ago at the end of April, we learned that Bryan’s surgery may not have eliminated all the cancer, so he needed to start chemo. Suddenly we were plunged into to a world of uncertainty, and I had to be the strong pillar of support. I think my body was remembering this at the one year mark.
Anyway, I am reading your story and have so many feelings about waiting a year for new scans. A year!! I was losing my mind waiting three months for new bloodwork.
You are amazing! I'm glad you went to the wedding! I totally understand about dithering and being unable to make plans. I just took my stroke survivor daughter to a massive festival in the UK... after a lot of dithering. It was a challenging but life affirming experience. She's having an arteriograph at this very minute. Hoping she'll get a f8nal 'all clear'. I'm keep8ng my fingers crossed for you and Mr J too fingers 🤞
It may sound odd to say “sorry” for overloading your notifications today with so many “likes” on your previous posts, but I am catching up on your Substack and seeing so much in it that I can’t help myself. Thank you for sharing your story, with all it’s ups & downs, grief & joy - & oh, the what if’s on planning anything is so very familiar to me (not from a degenerative illness perspective but from the perspective of a caregiver of someone w an unpredictable disability). I am wishing you and Mr J as much joy as you can find, for as long as possible.
Are you kidding me? I love when I see a reader liking more than one of my posts on the same day. It tells me someone read something I wrote and liked it enough to read more. You have filled my heart with joy.
This is exquisitely beautiful and thought-provoking. Thank you for the honest and poignant insights. I will take these with me (and will use your advice about suggesting people write a list of tasks and ask friends to pick something from it!)
Dr. Vicki, I appreciate your words. Thank you.
Thank you. I appreciate you.