I love your idea of learning to "cry pretty", and I recognise this from my experience.
When I was in acute grief and could only "ugly cry" I did my utmost to avoid places it wasn't ok to suddenly burst into tears. For example, I decided the hairdressing salon was too hazardous (stuck in a chair, can't run away!) and I learned to trim my own hair.
But now I've developed the ability to "cry pretty" I can walk through the world again. The other day a grief wave struck and five minutes later I was back running errands.
I think you're right - when we "ugly cry" in public, it's helpful to receive acknowledgement and permission to let the tears flow.
Anne, thank you for this. Our society is so afraid of crying, and it doesn't make sense. I pledge to offer to anyone I see crying. I too have wept on an airplane. A stupid cartoon movie reminded me that my mother had just died, and I spent the next hour ugly crying. No mask. No one said a word.
Thank you for sharing this. So real and so relatable. I’ve mastered the pretty cry, or so I think. But honestly it always burns to keep the tears in which already says so much. These words have given me a lot to sit with 🤎
As I read this I'm feeling like it's been forever since I cried in public. Wait that's not true... I literally just wrote about that time I cried in Home Depot - it was 2021. My kids were embarrassed. LOL
Offering a hug - I could see myself doing this if I saw a woman crying in public.
Jen, I could not find your Home Depot post. Can you give me a link? (I did thoroughly enjoy your post about Boston Legal AND the 1 second app. Thank you!)
Yes, we need to get more comfortable in the society with other peoples crying and even with our own crying people stifle their own tears and they try to stifle other people. Oh don’t cry don’t cry they say I like your article. Thanks for writing it. I sure could say a lot about crying. I do have a essay that I wrote about crying that I have not posted yet. I wrote it a couple of years ago. Maybe you’ll empower me to want to post it. Thank you so much.
It’s happened to me both ways too. I have no problem reaching out to someone crying…, are you okay? I usually get choked up seeing someone cry so I’ve cried with the cryer. The most interesting thing the night my husband died…after my daughter brought me home from hospital… I told her to leave. I didn’t want to talk or cry just yet. Neighbors and family were calling and texting and offering to come be with me. The next door lady who’d just moved in… the whole street saw the EMT vehicles…texted did I need anything. I couldn’t remember her name but suddenly I knew I wanted wine and wrote that one word. A few minute later she was at my door with a bottle and two glasses. Asked if she could have a drink with me….and she’s the one who stayed and listened, cried with me. A stranger! All night long! I’m in tears now recalling how I poured it all out. We never became close but she’s a FB frirnd now.
Oh Anne. Go right ahead and ugly cry whenever those thoughts and moments come to you.
While I know we are supposed to care if strangers are uncomfortable, unless one of them asks you if you need some help, or a hug, or a kleenex, then forget they are there. If they have to ignore you to make themselves comfortable, they aren’t the kind of people we want to know anyway.
I hear you, Anne - lots I can share, but then I'd take up all your comments section. A reflections essay is in the pipeline..soon-ish. Suffice to say, when things were really bad tears rolled without much control whenever I had to leave my parents to go back to work in Brussels. So that's planes, trains, taxis and an endless stock of tissues. Very different when I was 24/7 caregiving.
I read this with great interest and resonance, especially the sentiment that "What I want is human contact and sympathy."
I'm one of those rare people who can just cry in public with no holds bar. I don't care if I cry ugly or pretty. It's as if a dam is broken open and the tears just come gushing out. Although I'm usually too self-absorbed to observe others' reactions, or the lack thereof, I recognize your feelings regarding people's awkwardness or callousness when faced with someone who is obviously in distress.
I have cut and pasted these brilliant phrases that you suggested, and will practice them myself if I ever spot someone crying in public:
“Can I get you some water? Or gin?” would be a nice way to acknowledge suffering.
“I don’t know what you’re going through but I’m sorry. Do you want to talk to a stranger?”
“You can cry all you want. Don’t hold it in on my account.”
“Is there someone you’d like me to call?”
While I've never had anyone offer these lines to me when I cried in public, I did receive the most beautiful and heartfelt gesture of sympathy from a little girl at the airport recently. She spotted me dropping tears non-stop for almost an hour, while I sat with my ex-partner before we separated for good. As we stood up, she came to me and asked; "Can I give you a hug?" I nodded, and she gave me a big hug with all her innocence and love. I was thoroughly touched and speechless at her brilliant act of kindness.
Children know! It's when we grow up that we stifle our humanity. Thank you for sharing this. Also, the first person to offer someone gin has to write about it. Deal?
I'm so touched by the humanness of your ugly cry and the list of possible responses. Having been in both seats on that airplane, it's an awkward dance to be both released from the ugly cry and responsible for acknowledging it. One day, I'd love for someone to just sit down and start ugly crying with me. At least then we'd both be in denial with huge blotchy spots, wet shirts, runny noses, and a host of people ignoring our humanity.
As the stranger who has witnessed crying, and I speak more in the context of public places, it is sometimes hard to know what to do. If the level of distress seems to require some offer of help, I may make it. In other cases, I may bear witness allowing people the privacy of expressing their grief in public and send some loving energy their way. I like to think that sitting next to someone in a seat I would seek to connect and be more present. Thanks for prompting his reflection.
I also add when I think back, all the instances of people I’ve observed crying in public have been women. As a man, that becomes a consideration in our society. Either way, the compassionate instinct is what should lead.(It also raised a question as to why men don’t shed tears so publicly, but that’s another topic altogether).
I like how your writing normalizes crying. It's a very normal emotion. As is how fucking pissed you were that those grown men were spending their time playing video games! (made me LOL)
Grief is an expression of love. Are there ugly ways to love? Go right ahead and let grief visit you in the ways she knows you. People who are uncomfortable with our displays of grief are uncomfortable with themselves. Sending you love and hugs.
I have cried ugly in public years ago, it was at an appointment with my banker and I did not expect to go this deep with someone. She used the right words to highlight stress and personal bruises. I left her office with a chocolate and was less stressed but still amazed that my nerves cracked at this random appointment.
With my walk of faith, I have found myself crying in church, two times one of pain and one of surprising joy. So for pretty or ugly cries, I have experienced some exposure.
I cannot imagine the cry coming from grief, even if as a child I witnessed it from members of my family, I did not cry back then.
A few weeks ago in the subway in Paris, a woman started crying in front of me. She was not alone and she cried out of sheer pain. It was overwhelming even for fellow travelers. I tried to have eye contact with her, maybe send her some good vibes. She avoided eyes as she looked up, while her friends or family sisters were telling her she should leave her situation (maybe family violence). I looked around, and I witnessed the embarrassment of other travelers. It was quite uncommon. People just looked and stared at the moment, not forcinthem g to look at her but they could not help it. She was surrounded by two women so perhaps it was not necessary to intervene. I know if she was alone, I would have gone to her. I thought about it recently and wondered how many lives could be relieved from one move.
Sorry for the long reply, your post highlighted this memory and reflection.
We all cry pretty and ugly, yet we do not accept the spectacle of it. But we all do, perhaps in that undeniable truth lies some hope for more empathy moving forward.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate you. I hadn't thought about the situation you describe, where the crier is not alone, but does not appear to be receiving comfort.
Its me! Thank you for encouraging these memories. Well, it was indeed complicated to intervene while she was surrounded. But for sure it is not an excuse.
I was fine on the airplane, flying to attend the funeral of one of my best friends. I was fine until my seat mate asked me why I was flying to DC. This seems like a normal interaction between strangers sitting closer to each other than is comfortable.
I was on a 24 hour in and out visit for a dear friends funeral. And I was fine until I was asked a question. And, how to answer? I opened my mouth to talk and...started to cry. I could hardly get the words out, "my really great friend died, and I am flying in for her funeral." The woman was so sweet and compassionate. Her name was Estelle.
I love your idea of learning to "cry pretty", and I recognise this from my experience.
When I was in acute grief and could only "ugly cry" I did my utmost to avoid places it wasn't ok to suddenly burst into tears. For example, I decided the hairdressing salon was too hazardous (stuck in a chair, can't run away!) and I learned to trim my own hair.
But now I've developed the ability to "cry pretty" I can walk through the world again. The other day a grief wave struck and five minutes later I was back running errands.
I think you're right - when we "ugly cry" in public, it's helpful to receive acknowledgement and permission to let the tears flow.
Anne, thank you for this. Our society is so afraid of crying, and it doesn't make sense. I pledge to offer to anyone I see crying. I too have wept on an airplane. A stupid cartoon movie reminded me that my mother had just died, and I spent the next hour ugly crying. No mask. No one said a word.
I am so sorry! How positively awful.
Thank you for sharing this. So real and so relatable. I’ve mastered the pretty cry, or so I think. But honestly it always burns to keep the tears in which already says so much. These words have given me a lot to sit with 🤎
As I read this I'm feeling like it's been forever since I cried in public. Wait that's not true... I literally just wrote about that time I cried in Home Depot - it was 2021. My kids were embarrassed. LOL
Offering a hug - I could see myself doing this if I saw a woman crying in public.
Jen, I could not find your Home Depot post. Can you give me a link? (I did thoroughly enjoy your post about Boston Legal AND the 1 second app. Thank you!)
Here’s a link!
https://open.substack.com/pub/jenzug/p/people-die-life-goes-on?r=6er4f&utm_medium=ios
Thank you. I loved it. Also, sorry about the bathroom tile. Choosing that should have been a joy, not a chore.
Yes, we need to get more comfortable in the society with other peoples crying and even with our own crying people stifle their own tears and they try to stifle other people. Oh don’t cry don’t cry they say I like your article. Thanks for writing it. I sure could say a lot about crying. I do have a essay that I wrote about crying that I have not posted yet. I wrote it a couple of years ago. Maybe you’ll empower me to want to post it. Thank you so much.
Do it! Do it! And tag me when you post it. I can't wait to read it.
Yes please post it🙏
Yes…you’re now empowered! Do it!
It’s happened to me both ways too. I have no problem reaching out to someone crying…, are you okay? I usually get choked up seeing someone cry so I’ve cried with the cryer. The most interesting thing the night my husband died…after my daughter brought me home from hospital… I told her to leave. I didn’t want to talk or cry just yet. Neighbors and family were calling and texting and offering to come be with me. The next door lady who’d just moved in… the whole street saw the EMT vehicles…texted did I need anything. I couldn’t remember her name but suddenly I knew I wanted wine and wrote that one word. A few minute later she was at my door with a bottle and two glasses. Asked if she could have a drink with me….and she’s the one who stayed and listened, cried with me. A stranger! All night long! I’m in tears now recalling how I poured it all out. We never became close but she’s a FB frirnd now.
Beautiful story, Joan. Way to ask for what you needed.
Oh Anne. Go right ahead and ugly cry whenever those thoughts and moments come to you.
While I know we are supposed to care if strangers are uncomfortable, unless one of them asks you if you need some help, or a hug, or a kleenex, then forget they are there. If they have to ignore you to make themselves comfortable, they aren’t the kind of people we want to know anyway.
I have been pondering this. Why should I care if others are uncomfortable with my grief? I'll need to work this out in another post.
I think we are conditioned to believe that tears are to be kept private.
It’s a challenging thing to cope with.
I hear you, Anne - lots I can share, but then I'd take up all your comments section. A reflections essay is in the pipeline..soon-ish. Suffice to say, when things were really bad tears rolled without much control whenever I had to leave my parents to go back to work in Brussels. So that's planes, trains, taxis and an endless stock of tissues. Very different when I was 24/7 caregiving.
FYI here's an essay by Louisa Wah: https://lilypond.substack.com/p/hearling-power-of-tears
Thank you for this link. Beautiful.
I read this with great interest and resonance, especially the sentiment that "What I want is human contact and sympathy."
I'm one of those rare people who can just cry in public with no holds bar. I don't care if I cry ugly or pretty. It's as if a dam is broken open and the tears just come gushing out. Although I'm usually too self-absorbed to observe others' reactions, or the lack thereof, I recognize your feelings regarding people's awkwardness or callousness when faced with someone who is obviously in distress.
I have cut and pasted these brilliant phrases that you suggested, and will practice them myself if I ever spot someone crying in public:
“Can I get you some water? Or gin?” would be a nice way to acknowledge suffering.
“I don’t know what you’re going through but I’m sorry. Do you want to talk to a stranger?”
“You can cry all you want. Don’t hold it in on my account.”
“Is there someone you’d like me to call?”
While I've never had anyone offer these lines to me when I cried in public, I did receive the most beautiful and heartfelt gesture of sympathy from a little girl at the airport recently. She spotted me dropping tears non-stop for almost an hour, while I sat with my ex-partner before we separated for good. As we stood up, she came to me and asked; "Can I give you a hug?" I nodded, and she gave me a big hug with all her innocence and love. I was thoroughly touched and speechless at her brilliant act of kindness.
Children know! It's when we grow up that we stifle our humanity. Thank you for sharing this. Also, the first person to offer someone gin has to write about it. Deal?
Exactly! Ok, deal!
I'm so touched by the humanness of your ugly cry and the list of possible responses. Having been in both seats on that airplane, it's an awkward dance to be both released from the ugly cry and responsible for acknowledging it. One day, I'd love for someone to just sit down and start ugly crying with me. At least then we'd both be in denial with huge blotchy spots, wet shirts, runny noses, and a host of people ignoring our humanity.
Jess, this made me laugh out loud. Maybe we should start an ugly cry flash mob. . . Interesting social experiment.
Yes please! Put me on the list! Planes, trains, parking lots, coffee shops…I’m here for the impromptu group cry. Let’s make it awkward for everyone! 😈
LOL! Thank you. This is the second time I have laughed at my grief this week. I kind of like it. Thinking of making it a regular feature. . .
I'm so pleased to have a small contribution to the laughter. 💓
😅😂😀
As the stranger who has witnessed crying, and I speak more in the context of public places, it is sometimes hard to know what to do. If the level of distress seems to require some offer of help, I may make it. In other cases, I may bear witness allowing people the privacy of expressing their grief in public and send some loving energy their way. I like to think that sitting next to someone in a seat I would seek to connect and be more present. Thanks for prompting his reflection.
I also add when I think back, all the instances of people I’ve observed crying in public have been women. As a man, that becomes a consideration in our society. Either way, the compassionate instinct is what should lead.(It also raised a question as to why men don’t shed tears so publicly, but that’s another topic altogether).
Yassir, I agree the whole "man/woman" thing could feel like an added barrier. I don't have all the answers, I'm just plowing on through.
I like how your writing normalizes crying. It's a very normal emotion. As is how fucking pissed you were that those grown men were spending their time playing video games! (made me LOL)
Thank you Istiaq. Also, LOL.
I just had the “eyes fill with tears and one or two leak out” thing happen driving home after picking up my grandkids today. So relatable.
K.C., I hope your pretty cry brought you some solace. Thank you for your kind words.
Grief is an expression of love. Are there ugly ways to love? Go right ahead and let grief visit you in the ways she knows you. People who are uncomfortable with our displays of grief are uncomfortable with themselves. Sending you love and hugs.
Thank you, Simone. You are right, grief is an expression of love. I appreciate you sending love and hugs. It really does make things easier.
I have cried ugly in public years ago, it was at an appointment with my banker and I did not expect to go this deep with someone. She used the right words to highlight stress and personal bruises. I left her office with a chocolate and was less stressed but still amazed that my nerves cracked at this random appointment.
With my walk of faith, I have found myself crying in church, two times one of pain and one of surprising joy. So for pretty or ugly cries, I have experienced some exposure.
I cannot imagine the cry coming from grief, even if as a child I witnessed it from members of my family, I did not cry back then.
A few weeks ago in the subway in Paris, a woman started crying in front of me. She was not alone and she cried out of sheer pain. It was overwhelming even for fellow travelers. I tried to have eye contact with her, maybe send her some good vibes. She avoided eyes as she looked up, while her friends or family sisters were telling her she should leave her situation (maybe family violence). I looked around, and I witnessed the embarrassment of other travelers. It was quite uncommon. People just looked and stared at the moment, not forcinthem g to look at her but they could not help it. She was surrounded by two women so perhaps it was not necessary to intervene. I know if she was alone, I would have gone to her. I thought about it recently and wondered how many lives could be relieved from one move.
Sorry for the long reply, your post highlighted this memory and reflection.
We all cry pretty and ugly, yet we do not accept the spectacle of it. But we all do, perhaps in that undeniable truth lies some hope for more empathy moving forward.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate you. I hadn't thought about the situation you describe, where the crier is not alone, but does not appear to be receiving comfort.
Its me! Thank you for encouraging these memories. Well, it was indeed complicated to intervene while she was surrounded. But for sure it is not an excuse.
I was fine on the airplane, flying to attend the funeral of one of my best friends. I was fine until my seat mate asked me why I was flying to DC. This seems like a normal interaction between strangers sitting closer to each other than is comfortable.
I was on a 24 hour in and out visit for a dear friends funeral. And I was fine until I was asked a question. And, how to answer? I opened my mouth to talk and...started to cry. I could hardly get the words out, "my really great friend died, and I am flying in for her funeral." The woman was so sweet and compassionate. Her name was Estelle.
I love this so hard. I am so sorry, @Jo Burr. I am glad Estelle was sweet and compassionate.
Thanks Anne! This happened 8 years ago. Estelle and I are still friends on Facebook.
now I love this even harder. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. And grateful that you had Estelle. What a gift.