7 Ways You Can Help Your Grieving Friend

A Shopping List

Photo by Ginger Hendee on Unsplash

At the suggestion of a Substack friend (Hi,

Victoria

) I have put together a shopping list for those who want to “do something” to help their grieving friend.  This is not, of course, all inclusive, but it does include several things that I have needed during my past nearly two years of grieving.  Some of these things I knew I needed and some surprised me when I discovered them on my journey.

Big Sunglasses

Big sunglasses are a must for a grieving person.  They provide an instant privacy shield which provides comfort and shelter.  When you are doing a big ugly cry, or even a silent pretty one, having sunglasses on helps with plausible deniability for the casual observer and the wearer alike.  It helps avoid awkward conversations with strangers that start with, “Are you crying,” if you don’t want to have that conversation.

Shower Wipes

Who knew shower wipes were a thing?  I certainly didn’t!  But it turns out, in grief, sometimes you just want to stand and let the water wash over you, and sometimes you don’t want to get wet at all.  Shower wipes are for the latter situation.  They work almost like magic.  You just take one out and wipe away the stink.  And feel refreshed, with no one the wiser.

A New Shower Head – Installed

If you have a mediocre shower or haven’t experienced the joy of an awesome shower head, you are missing out.  Giving the gift of a giant shower head, or a double shower head, is a gift that will keep on giving.  However, this gift comes with a condition.  There must be someone to install it that is not the grieving person.  Even if they are usually handy that way.  Grief takes a ridiculous amount of effort, and a new installation project will not be welcome. 

Frozen Food and Actual Food

It may come as a surprise to a non-grieving person that grief makes every decision harder.  Having frozen food on hand can be a game changer.  Consider a trip to Trader Joe’s to spice up your frozen food game.  But if Stoffer’s is the best you can do, do that.  Any frozen food is better than no frozen food.  Just grab a handful of stuff you like to eat.  This doesn’t have to be complicated.

Actual food is also good, however, once again, this comes with caveats.  It is important to call ahead and say, “Can I bring you food Thursday or Saturday?”  Note this sentence does not stop at “Can I bring you food?”  That is easy to say “no” to.  Instead, make the question about “when” not “if.”  You want to make sure it comes on a night when they can actually eat it.  Also, “Pizza or Chinese?” is a better question than “What do you like?”  If you are a really, REALLY good friend, consider signing on for meals every Tuesday, or every other Thursday, then put it in your calendar and follow through.

Chocolate

Chocolate is a comfort food, and you can’t have too much of it, especially in the early days of grieving.  It gives your hands and your tongue something to do that is pleasant, which can be in short supply for grievers.  Varying flavor and texture can also help – don’t ask me why.  One chocolate with toffee, another with almonds, a third with sea salt.  I found the variety comforting.

An Afghan or Fuzzy Blanket – or a Quilt

Having something cozy to cuddle up in is a must have experience.  This sends a message on the importance of taking care of a griever.  Self-care is one of the first things to go out the window (and let’s be honest, most of us are not self-care proficient to begin with) so the warm gentle hug of a quilt or blanket can be a game changer. 

Housekeeping Services

Gently, I suggest to you that a grieving person deserves a clean toilet.  And sometimes, the overwhelm is too much to deal with basic cleaning.  Find a small business that will send the same cleaners time after time, and explain the situation to them.  I don’t often play the My-Husband-Is-Dying card, but I did with my housekeeping service.  That way, when they come to my house and it is cluttered beyond measure, they don’t turn on their collective heels and leave.  They clean around the clutter with love and compassion.  Also, I strongly encourage you to find a team of cleaners.  One person will be in your friend’s home for two to four hours.  I use a team.  6 ladies descend on my house and split up the rooms.  They are gone in about 45 minutes and my house is in much better shape!