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Bronwen Leigh's avatar

Hi Anne - as a widow from the fast traumatic instant death of my partner 18 years ago - I can’t even imagine the trauma you face daily with knowing the end is coming - slowly. I’m not comparing - both situations have their own challenges and grief - but I expect when you face one, the other seems alien. And as an aside - my mother (still with us) has encountered many Dr Dickheads over the years. I get that these people are specialists and have studied hard and are perhaps brilliant diagnosticians - but they rarely have a decent way of talking to their patients. She has encountered so much arrogance. But also kindness and support too. Here in the UK we may have the NHS but it’s barely held together with surgical tape. Hopefully our new government will improve things 🤞🏻 Wishing you better doctors 💚

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Anne's avatar

@Bronwen Leigh, first, I am sorry about the sudden loss of your partner. My therapist tells me there are pros and cons to both. (ha! He’s quite hilarious.) Congratulations on your new government, and here’s hoping mine stays held together by surgical tape, rather than being crushed come January!

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Bronwen Leigh's avatar

Yes many of us will be watching America and hoping the sensible folk win!

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Victoria's avatar

Hi Bronwen, condolences and hugs over such a traumatic loss of your partner! I'm here in the UK too - I helped my Mum care for my Dad until his passing in 2020, and now I'm caring for Mum who has cancer...so I hear you about the surgical tape. Both my parents were doctors - ironically Dad was a geriatrician and led the treatment of elderly people at our local hospital until he retired late '90s...It was tragic for him to compare how he treated patients 'in his day' and what he received...We did have the good fortune to have a few rare GEMs of doctors who shone brightly amongst the rest amidst Dad's many blue-lit trips to hospital...

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Bronwen Leigh's avatar

Hi Victoria - it sounds like you have a lot of hard stuff going on there too. I can totally imagine your dad’s dismay at finding his work having lapsed. We need more staff in the NHS and we need to pay them a reasonable wage. I’m glad you’ve found those gems though. I had cancer last year myself and had brilliant people on the whole. I do hope your mum has that great care too. 💚

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Victoria's avatar

Thanks, Bronwen - yes, we count our blessings and are deeply grateful for the vigilance, care and support Mum's receiving...a stark contrast - but this is also due to the unpredictability of cardiovascular compounded with cancer & arthritis, vs cancer symptoms..Wishing you continued good health xo

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Joan Stommen's avatar

Omg… what a jerk! You’ve mentioned him before; thanks for sharing/clarifying this first encounter! And thank you so much for “hearing the hooves… if no horses, look for zebras!” This phrase… in different forms is the tag line for EDS… it took years for my granddaughter to be diagnosed correctly. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome is degenerative and affects connective tissue throughout the body. She was mid-teens when they said seizures. The pain, fatigue, mobility issues didn’t mesh with that… long hospital stays for testing, physical therapy to help her walking ….yada yada… funally a young physicians assistant said you may have EDS. Everything fit. She was 20 by now and angry with everyone. Amazing how many Dr’s hadn’t heard of this. Googling showed the phrase… and she walked into every appt saying I’m a zebra! Turned her life and attitude around and owned it! Advocated for med schools to teach it! She’s 26 with a degree in CJ and an intelligence analyst who uses a cane for support. Sorry to hijack here, Anne… I’m just so angry reading this hospital scene. We all have little 🦓pins and stuffies. I tell my doctors if they’re heading down the “it’s part of aging” speech…zebra hooves perhaps? gets their attention! 😉😅 Bless your heart for being a loving advocate. Much love and peace, dear friend…you do a wonderful job caring for your husband…sharing with us…so well written. I know it’s healing for you; wish I could be right there to give hugs! 🥰❤️

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Anne's avatar

Thank you, Joan, for sharing your experience. It's really amazing, isn't it? The thing about rare diseases is that they're . . . rare, and no one has ever heard of them. I'm glad your granddaughter is doing better. And I like the approach to doctors - "hello, I'm a zebra. Now let's figure out what's wrong."

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Joan Stommen's avatar

It really does get their attention. My cardiologist thanked me… said both patients and doctors become complacent in everyday concerns, routines of lab report/tests/ looking at norm range. We must advocate for ourselves and loved ones, speak up, ask questions.

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Victoria's avatar

SO true, Joan -- I'm glad you've got a good cardiologist, there's a high % of women who are sent home by doctors diagnosing heart symptoms as 'panic attacks' f'd up gendered notions persist.."hello, I'm a zebra. Now let's figure out what's wrong." - should be a poster on every ER wall.

Thank you for sharing!

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Joan Stommen's avatar

Agree! Thanks for commenting Victoria! Ageism plays a part too…that’s what I encounter! I ask that they listen, know my active history, check my previous visits/tests… same docs usually so they see me coming know and are much more tuned in! 😉😄

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Victoria's avatar

You've trained them well, Joan! Good for you!! This year, I've set up a cool little email system with Mum's key doctors..essential given what's going on ..it wouldn't be an option or poss usually, but they know us now, and even appreciate the timely flow of info!

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Mary Roblyn's avatar

Anne, I’m so sorry you went through this. Hookers? Wow. I’ve heard the trope that M.D. stands for Major Deity and I imagine that’s who Dr. Dickhead sees when looks in the mirror. I’m glad you stood up to him. Thanks for sharing your story.🙏💕

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Amy - The Tonic's avatar

This brand of hubris is rampant in medicine. I shudder at the thought of poor and disempowered people, who either aren’t able to advocate for themselves or who wouldn’t be taken seriously if they did. How many have died or had needlessly circuitous paths to the right treatment because of all the doctors Dickhead out there?

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Anne's avatar

A friend of mine has a saying, "Frequently wrong, but never in doubt." That is what I think when I think of Dr. Dickhead.

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Simone Senisin's avatar

Yep, l feel your frustration Anne … a wry smile on my face … Dr Dickhead has some cousins in Australia… l met them. Hooray, you’re not handing over your power to the ‘medical professionals’ … me either. And l have to admit, when l got to the ‘hooker’ punchline, a did give a multidimensional laugh out loud … kind of way. Sending love and strength to you.

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Anne's avatar

Thank you, Simone. I appreciate you.

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Teyani Whitman's avatar

Many many hugs of encouragement to you, dear Anne. I love your spunk, your intense love and the fact that you were able to name Dr. Dickhead as a bully right from the start❣️

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Anne's avatar

Thank you, Teyani!

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Amy Gabrielle's avatar

Anne, I'll be right back. I need to go punch a few pillows first. I may or may not be imagining I'm punching Dr. Dickhead in the face...

Okay, I'm back. I'm still pretty pissed off, but I can still type. Seriously, WTAF?!?! Does this man have no compassion? I guess not. Hookers!? That's the first thing on this Dr's mind? I think he was projecting his own actions later that day onto your husband.

I am so sorry that you and Mr. J experienced such disgusting treatment from a doctor at the most vulnerable and scary moment in your life. Some people should not be forward facing under any circumstances.

You are a bada$$ advocate of the highest order - mad respect and admiration for you my fellow warrior wife. 🥰😍

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Anne's avatar

"Most vulnerable and scary," indeed. That's a good way to put it. Thank you. I feel your solidarity.

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Christianna Joy Scott's avatar

Ugh. Healthcare. I almost lost my life twice at the hands of “professionals” who dismissed me as if I was a problem. Keep up the good fight! I’m alive today because my husband didn’t quit on me.

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Christianna Joy Scott's avatar

I should add, I am an American but this experience took place with our northern cousins. It sucks everywhere.

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Anne's avatar

Is that right? Somehow, I thought the Canadians had it figured out. . . I'm glad your husband advocated for you. It's a tough job. (Although not as tough as being misdiagnosed or undiagnosed.)

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Jen Zug's avatar

Our Dr. Dickhead berated Bryan on the phone for choosing to get a second opinion re his treatment plan for colon cancer. The dude literally raised his voice about how experienced he was and how our World Renowned Cancer Center would order a bunch of tests he didn’t need. Okaaaayyyyy.

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Anne's avatar

Wow, Jen. The temerity of Bryan! Wanting a second opinion. About his own health. The nerve!! Sorry about your Dr. Dickhead. They seem to be everywhere.

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Sarah Coomber's avatar

Anne, what a powerful post about a nightmare of a situation. I admire your fortitude and advocacy for your husband and am wishing you all the best. (Thank you, Victoria @carermentor, for letting me know about this stack.)

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Victoria's avatar

Aww Anne, sending warm hugs...and a punch-bag or dart board...I think these are essential tools to keep sane.

I would not be surprised if Dr Dickhead's god complex has landed the hospital in legal action. He sounds like Hugh Laurie's character Dr House...too self-involved in his own narcissistic intellect and clinical conundrum than seeing the human in front of him.

LOVE the comments from everyone - esp the google review one ;-)

The UK is swinging towards a US-like burden on the patient with the additional nightmare of long waits between test-result-team's discussion-doctor call to patient. For us this averages 2-3 weeks from scan to debrief and we're the blessed ones who have really good medics!

Walking alongside you my friend...with one of those big hand things that I can slap idiots with on your behalf!

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Cindy Ojczyk's avatar

I have a relative of the same disposition as your Dr D. There is a vast difference between being smart and wise. He is a true testament to smart but not wise.

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Anne's avatar

100 %. They should teach that in Medical School.

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Sheila's avatar

Hookers and a home. Was he just trying to alliterate his horrendous “advice”.

I love the end to this, it made me laugh but also go ‘yes, take back whatever little bits of control you can’. Goodbye Dr Dickhead, you’re fired.

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Ilona Goanos's avatar

I'm sorry Anne. Our healthcare system is pathetic. Mr. J has you in his corner, so that is the good news. I'm sorry Dr. D was such a jerk. We've all had those doctors who are terribly blunt with no bedside manner. There is a way to deliver bad news.

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Anne's avatar

There is a way to deliver bad news - and they should teach that in medical school!

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Susan McCorkindale's avatar

Dr. Dickhead SHOULD be his real name. Forgive me, Anne, but the guy's a real ass and I hope you left him a scathing Google review. I'm so sorry you went through this and for all you and Mr. J. are going through. xo

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Anne's avatar

I had not thought about a Google review. Now I have spent much of my morning amusing myself with what my Google review would say. . .

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Jul 6, 2024
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Anne's avatar

I had suspected there was a Dr. Dickhead position at every hospital. Thanks for confirming. Intellectually I know that behind every bully is a scared little boy. But when you are on the business end of a Dr./bully, it is hard to be sympathetic.

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